We are going to the hospital to be induced tomorrow night. Needless to say, I’m freaking out and not sure how much I’ll be able to sleep tonight. Am I excited? Hell-to-the-yeah I’m excited. And also nervous nervous nervous. I think this is what many women go through before they give birth. I’m afraid of the pain and afraid of the pain I’ll feel after delivery, when I’m recovering, and I’m even afraid (really afraid) of what it will be like to hear my son’s cry for the first time or to see what he looks like. I keep thinking it’s like how nervous you are on the night before you get married, except that I wasn’t nervous before I got married. I was really ready. So maybe it’s more like nerves before Christmas morning, when you know you are about to get an awesome present and you are just so excited you can’t even breathe. Except that a baby is so much better than a bicycle.
This was meant to be my NoDDay blog post- blogging about something other than Diabetes for one day- (although in hindsight, I guess it is ironic that the video displaces my CGMS charger as a key player….) But that was technically yesterday so I’m already not following the rules.
Almost every night for the past week or so, Baby has had the hiccups. I think sometimes he moves so strongly that you can actually see my tummy move. It usually looks like breathing but sometimes you can see it. So I thought I’d film it. Incidentally, the CGMS charger just happened to be nearby
On non-silly-video fronts, we got our induction date yesterday. Baby is to be evicted next week- we go in on Tuesday evening, they give me some induction drugs, and it should take 24-48 hours for him to get here. I’m really totally cool with being induced a week early. Diabetics, even under good control, have risk of placental issues at the end and so I accept that it’s safer than waiting for him to come on his own. It’s kind of freaking us both out, how soon it will be. My husband was in shock and kept saying “next Tuesday? That soon?”
We celebrated by me nesting at Costco (meaning I HAD to buy a ginormous box of frozen waffles because I want to make sure we have waffles after the baby is born!) and calling someone to come clean our house tomorrow. And then we had fish and chips and I got really ill, which is why my NoDDay post failed to be on time.
Goal for today: organize all the piles of paper around the house before the cleaning lady gets here.
I’ve been meaning to write this one out for a while. How much does the A1C determine one’s self worth as a diabetic?
Before pregnancy, my biggest goal was getting an A1C under 7. The A1C measures the past three months of your blood sugars, so it basically says how well you’ve been doing cumulatively. And every time I did this test, I’d end up disappointed. 7.5…. 7.3 …. 7.1 …. But never below 7. I remember one time sobbing when I found out the results. Because it meant that for all the extra testing and stressing, I still wasn’t good enough as far as managing my diabetes.
And then, eventually, I gave up and decided that I was going to go off the pill even if my A1C wasn’t “ideal”. I’d read enough stories of women who conceived in the 7′s and higher, and who were able to bring things down or who ended up with healthy babies anyway. I don’t know if that was the right way to look at things. It may have meant that I didn’t cry when I heard my A1C, but it didn’t stop me from attaching self-worth to the number. And I still take it personally. My A1C has gone down during pregnancy, in major part because of second trimester lows and because I’m just more aggressive about treating highs. But every time I get my A1C results, I still feel like I’m looking at a test score. My last A1C was 6.2. Before that, it was 6.1. And I will admit that the .1 increase made me feel guilty and frustrated, as if I’d done something wrong.
Here’s the thing: I know I can’t be the only diabetic to think this. I started thinking about it when I was having a twitter conversation with Kim (txtngmypancreas). When she admitted she thinks about how the lows bring her average down (as a plus for having lows), I admitted I think the same thing. If you look at an A1C as a grade, like I do, then you think “yes! I’m bringing this sucker down!!”
Our conversation continued when I added that I hate it when my doctors don’t value my good A1Cs because they say I’m having too many lows. A low A1C is not good because of too many lows. It’s like counter-intuitive for me to believe that this is wrong.
How do you change how you value a number like the A1c? If you are told, from the time you are diagnosed, that your A1C determines things like later health consequences then how can you not feel guilty when you have a high number? And why is it so hard for doctors to look at A1Cs positively, without adding other reasons why you should still not totally relax and feel good?
Potentially unhelpful chart that diabetics see all the time 1: It’s true, I’ve got no doubts. But when you read that anything above 8% could lead to complications, you feel pretty guilty. Especially when you are doing your best and no matter what you do, that damn number won’t go under 8.
Potentially unhelpful chart that diabetics see all the time 2: Seriously, how can someone not take it personally when their diabetes management is POOR. And the contiuum is so depressing. You only barely start to not suck at diabetes in the 7s. You might have a lot on your plate- college, the birth of your first child, etc.- to distract you from all that it takes to get into the 7s (let alone the glorious 6′s and hard-to-reach 5′s). Lord forbid diabetes doesn’t run your life. If you can’t focus on it like the full-time job that it can be, and oops you have an A1C in the 8′s, you get a F. And your F for an A1C in the 8′s is the same as your F for an A1C in the 10′s and higher.
It’s a whole separate blog post, but all of this ranting on the value of A1Cs has me wondering- no wonder diabetes is such an emotional disease.
I skipped two weeks. Not much happened. My feet have started swelling in the past two weeks, so they are the most obvious part that’s gotten bigger. My husband says my feet look like empanadas.
I’ve gotten a lot done and things are pretty much ready for the baby, even if I’m not. I’ve decided, mainly because we have a small freezer, not to worry so much about freezing meals. But we have plastic silverware and plates. Lord knows I’m not doing dishes for at least two weeks after baby.
And I’m getting increasingly more confident that this baby will come out the traditional way, or at least that we are going to give it a good shot. I’m officially more pregnant than I ever thought I’d be, mainly because of my diabetes, and it seems like I’m only overcoming every fear and misconception so normal delivery seems more and more possible. When I got pregnant, and really until I was in the early 30′s, I assumed that I’d be induced at 36/37 weeks. When I make it to 39 weeks, I will have made it to only one week early. That’s pretty significant.
Other things that haven’t happened that I assumed would happen:
1. pre-eclampsia (my mom had it)
2. A higher A1C in the third tri (it’s gone down, actually, or stayed the same. 6.1-6.2 ish the entire pregnancy).
3. Water breaking in Walmart.
Actually, the last one is just something I made up as a fear that I’ve not really been worried about but I thought it was good to make that list even. I’m actually kind of welcoming the whole water-breaking thing because I’m getting tired of carrying baby on my rib cage. I know you don’t sleep as well when you have a baby. But I am so looking forward to even just being able to find a comfortable position when I lay down. I miss sleeping without having Baby’s head pushing on my bladder. I’m just ready to have my body back. I feel so huge. Like I have zero desire to get into the bathtub even though my back hurts so bad, because I’m afraid I’d get stuck.
In two days, the doctor is giving us an induction date. I am ready to start mentally preparing for this date.
I’m actually on the first day (according to my count) of week 36 (whaaaa???) but have been meaning to post something about this week.
Pretty much 35 weeks means I’m freakin’ huge. I can no longer put my laptop on my tummy when I type in bed because the baby is so big.
I feel like this.
SO big. I mean, he is measuring normal (which gladdens my diabetic heart) but I feel him everywhere now. I remember in like week 25 or so thinking “wow, I don’t get all those complaints about baby kicking ribs. I think I lucked out.” Come week 35, Baby is definitely kicking my ribs. And karate chopping my bladder. I know he isn’t doing this to spite me but sometimes we imagine that he is indeed playing with us in there. My husband felt one of these karate kicks last night and said “wow! that must hurt!” Massive understatement.
I also feel the weight of him on my lungs. Sleeping is such an ordeal. Turning takes forever. I am always exhausted. My back hurts all the time. I just can’t believe this is me. Part of me can’t wait for it to be over, to have my body back and to feel like myself again. And part of me just feels amazed. I can’t even wrap my head around the fact that a person is in there. And a lot of the time, I just keep thinking it would be so great if my husband could be really pregnant for one day to get why I am the way I am. Not just strapped to a fake belly, but really pregnant with Braxton Hicks and baby rolls and fatigue and foot aches and everything.
Diabetes related things are actually pretty good. At the beginning of the week, I was having resistance issues (temp basal at 150%!). And then I got a stomach virus and didn’t eat much for a day (Baby, predictably, seemed unphased and was fine at the NST the next day). My sugars actually evened out, probably because since then I have been eating a little more carefully (read: less of those crazy carbs that freak my body out). AND I got a new insulin pump. I was able to get an upgrade to the MM Revel (will post photos and my opinions later). It took me about 30 min. to figure out and I’ve been wearing it for about 3 hours. The changes aren’t that big but they are really great changes, at least so far. I’m not wearing a sensor yet but will put one in soon and see what those changes are like too.
One thing I’ve figured out in the past 2 weeks is that I cannot wear an infusion set or sensor on my right side. For whatever reason, my skin is much more sensitive on that side during pregnancy. It itches almost immediately. So starting with my last sensor change, I’ve decided to rotate on the left as much as possible.
On a side note: We did the hospital tour this week. The maternity ward is small and I’m still bitter my husband can’t stay overnight, but all of the other mothers were too. It’s a hospital and was kind of boring but my husband got freaked out. I think the tour made it all more real to him. It just reminded me that I need to pack my bag still.
At 34 weeks, I’m so.ready.to.be.done and yet the feeling is bittersweet- we won’t be pregnant forever.
But seriously. I had a near-psychotic episode on Sunday (poor sleep the night before). And I can feel every move sometimes with baby. And he is so heavy. OMG how can a little tiny thing be so heavy? My back hurts instantly and I swear I got up every hour last night to pee.
The hormones. Those are what is most killing. The third trimester is giving the first a run for it’s money for sure, as I’m sure my husband has been about ready to kill me a few times. But sometimes I can’t help but lose it. He doesn’t get how hard it is for me to grow a human being (and I only barely recognize how hard it’s been for him to live with someone who is growing a human being!) We both can’t wait for some normalcy.
Diabetes is the same. Meaning frustrating and loads of resistance. There are just some foods that I just can’t eat the same way anymore, and I hate that. I just hate the feeling that there is nothing I can do to bring my sugars down- I am taking at times THREE times what I usually take as far as insulin and STILL my sugars are not dropping (after some meals, ofcourse). It’s a very strange feeling to take such high doses and still be over the acceptable range.
Baby, on the other hand, is totally normal and passing NSTs with flying colors. And to boot, he now has a crib.
close-up of Baby's crib bedding
I’m not going to lie, it was pretty special to watch my husband put this together. We originally tried to do it together but oh those hormones. As it turns out, we are not a good team when it comes to assembling cribs. So we had friends over for taco bell, beer, and to help my husband with the crib. I took pictures. (Actually, our crib is one of those with a changing table attached and drawers. So I helped put together the drawers).
And we spent Labor Day at the beach. It was pretty nice to say I spent the beginning
Everytime I open Firefox, I think “gee, I need to update my blog”. I can’t even remember between now and 30 weeks what’s happened. Well a lot’s happened:
*We had a Babymoon in Vegas. It was incredible and I am so thankful for the chance to do it. Why? Um. The breakfast in bed alone was worth it.
Breakfast in Bed
*We also had a baby shower. And it was so amazing. My husband came along and helped opened presents, and was adorable. We got to eat great cake (it was a diabetic-off-day, as few as those are these days…). And our car was filled nearly to the brim with onesies. And a carseat. (And we got a crib too!). Which led me to come to realize that it never hurts to register for something, even if in your mind it is super extravagant and you think you won’t get it. We got spoiled. Our baby should not have to go around naked and has more clothes than his father.
Wow. Just wow.
*We got a gender confirmation: Baby is still a boy. I am relieved. Legs were open this time. The tech wasn’t as nice and as informative (I would ask “oh, what’s that?” and she’d say “shhh. I’m trying to concentrate”) BUT she gave us a photo of the baby’s face and we learned he will probably have big lips.
Baby at 32 weeks
* I have ONE OB now. And she is brilliant and experienced with type 1 diabetics, and so supportive of me using my insulin pump. She has already started prepping the staff who will be working when I labor. She is so informative and seems genuinely interested and excited to work with me. She has said she will induce at 39 weeks because when she did some more research, she found that even with diabetes, the benefits for baby are at between 38 and 39 weeks. I consider this a victory, as I had been previously expecting to have the baby at between 36 and 37. Hooray for research that supports letting the baby cook a little longer.
*Having the CGMS has given my endo the confidence to back off. This is great, as I get towards the end, because I was spending so much energy worrying about my carbs and how to justify insulin intakes to my endo. Without him breathing down my neck, I feel so much more at ease. We have decided that not only will I be able to wear my pump, but that I will also wear my sensor. Both he and my OB are fully supportive, which has me excited.
*We have a hospital tour scheduled! woot! In my last post, I lamented that it was one of the things I felt was lacking. While it looks like we won’t have childbirth classes, we are at least getting the tour. I’m pretty excited.
I don’t have a belly pic yet (will have to get the husband to take one), but I have reached 30 weeks.
At 30 weeks, I am quiet tired. And have started having indigestion. The stomach acid is random and often leads to nausea. Yay. Baby is kicking and growing and his arrival is getting closer and closer. And freaking me out whenever I think about it. There is SO MUCH to do. And I am not nesting at all.
I still have to:
Buy a crib.
Make the guest room/office look more like a baby’s room and less like a storage closet.
Clean (this is ongoing ofcourse, but I am starting to realize I will need to up my game as far as tidyness/keeping things out of reach of a baby/disinfecting more).
Wash baby clothes/stuff passed down to us like the fabric in the baby bouncy seat
Hang the wind chimes outside on our patio. This isn’t baby related but we’ve lived here almost a year and this is the kind of thing I should have done (ahem, had my husband do) months ago.
Have a baby shower (this isn’t really a to-do list thing but a lot of things like washing baby clothes won’t happen until after this, which is going to occur in about 2 weeks.)
Get hair did. This isn’t a must either but I really want to go to the salon one more time because I don’t know if I’ll be able to do that again.
At this point, it looks like we aren’t doing the pregnancy/childbirth classes. The timing- I’m guessing this would be at night- is not realistic for us and our hospital is about 30 minutes away anyway. I’m a little sad about this rite of passage but if I can get a tour of our hospital in, that would make me feel a little better. It’s one of the things on our list that I feel quite clueless about/every time I bring it up at the OB’s office, people are like “oh you have plenty of time”. Hello. I’m not carrying to 40 weeks. Are you sure I have “plenty of time”? While I’m not necessarily worried about childbirth classes, I would like to take an infant CPR class. I’m not sure if I will actually do that but I think it would be a good
The biggest problem I’ve had in the past week has been my energy level. I am exhausted. I said that already but it needs to be said. I’ve go zero motivation to do anything. Hence the list. It’s a little frustrating and I’m definitely too hard on myself about it. On the plus side, my husband is interested in looking into hiring someone to help clean. Me likey.
This post sums up perfectly the challenges, for me personally, of being pregnant as a type 1 diabetic. One of the things that having a CGMS has brought to my attention even more clearly, is that there is nothing I can do to keep my sugars 100% in range. It’s really stressful and easy to feel like a complete failure.
Pregnancy and diabetes is so so hard. I’d be lying if I don’t think on occasion “holy cow, how am I going to do this again?” Because I do want children plural. But I can’t wrap my mind around having another child any time soon.
I hate feeling like I’m under a microscope. I hate feeling like this huge scary bomb that everyone is afraid of. Aside from the diabetes, I have had a really great pregnancy. But because of my diabetes, which is pretty damn good right now, there is so much my doctors won’t do. I can’t go past 38 weeks. I can’t deliver in one of the nicer satellite hospitals. I have to deliver at the main location, where the best NICU is. I can’t eat like a normal pregnant woman, without feeling guilty. My endo, a man of course, can’t understand why I don’t crave salads. Salads don’t have an effect on your blood sugars. This alone really grinds my gears. Hello. I’m pregnant. I don’t crave salads. I crave pancakes.
It’s also things like hospital visits. They’ve started to occur every other week but it ends up being every week. In a few weeks, we are going to have to go twice a week (NSTs. Yay.) All to say “you are normal! see you next week!”
There is a bright side!
After some thought, I would like to point out that my pregnancy- although stressful at times and definitely annoying- has been a huge blessing. I haven’t had a lot of the issues that many women have- no nausea, swelling feet, blood pressure problems, eye issues, or even really horrible indigestion. And my diabetes control is better right now then it ever is. Which means that it is so possible to be pregnant with diabetes. Never let anyone tell you that you can’t have a baby with diabetes. I would argue that not only is it possible but that even some parts are enjoyable!! Yes, there are brief moments where I even think “I get it. I get why women are addicted to being pregnant”. These are fleeting moments but I’ve had them.
Last night, my husband poked my tummy and the baby kicked back. They had a sweet exchange of poking/kicking and it made my heart sing. I am confident that this is right for our family and that all of the warm fuzzies you hear mom’s talk about whence they talk of their kids adoringly, are true for me too. Yes, all of those frustrations and feeling sorry for myself and wishing pregnancy wasn’t so hard, are leading up to a miracle.
This is really an update of things because today I had an OB appointment, but it is also an update of things diabetic-related.
1. My A1C is 6.2! It went down from 6.4!! woot! Best ever! I was expecting it to go up!
2. The doctors are open to letting me use my pump/own meter as well as not restricting me to the 1800 ADA calorie diet at delivery.
3. Baby seems on target- my tummy isn’t too big or small.
4. The doctor we saw today is willing to see me through delivery. A very nice diabetic-friendly woman, Dr. N. asked me if I would be willing to go to her office instead of to the group. I’m very excited and thinking positive about the fact that I will know who is delivering me and that she is open to treating me like a person and not a patient.
5. I got the CGMS. This is the biggest update of all. My insurance decided to go ahead and give me the CGMS without much fight really, because of my diabetes and the fact that I’m high risk. I got approved on Monday, got the CGMS on Wednesday and was trained today (Thursday)! I don’t know anyone who this works for as well.
One step closer to bionic.
The CGMS is exciting, especially if it’s one more tool at my disposal when fighting for things like the right to prolong baby’s birth until 38 weeks if I so desire or the right to do things like eat based on carb counting. And the more my diabetes is controlled, the more I can argue that the baby’s size has nothing to do with my diabetes. Because one thing I’ve picked up- doctors and nurses and random people on the street loooove to tell you that you are going to have a fat baby because you have diabetes. This is a huge blanket statement- it’s dependent on how your control is during pregnancy and on things like genetics.
I will say, based on first impressions of the CGMS, that it isn’t so hard to use. But it does hurt way more than the pump insertion. The pump might sting for a few seconds but the CGMS site is still hurting hours later. I’ve had it in for 10 hours and am still waiting for it to not be sore. Also, the site does indeed bleed. Not THAT much but enough that you are like surprised. My husband was trained in how to insert it, because I have to work my way towards my butt for fatty tissue but it’s cool that he’s so willing to be involved. I’m optimistic because I’ve heard a lot of negatives about MM CGMS but so far, I like it.
The DOWNSIDE to having insurance that gives a CGMS is that it also has dumb policies at its’ hospital of choice. Or rather, the hospital that everyone wants me to go to because I’m high risk and they have the best NICU, also has dumb policies. Mainly their policy for letting the husband stay overnight. He cannot. My husband is not allowed to stay overnight to help me or the baby because they usually make the mothers share rooms. There are no words for how much this sucks. It’s the big fat con that sits on the other side of so many pros. I don’t even yet know how to deal with that one.
